This is so funny, would love to be able to do this.

Posted by Christine (24.244.136.198) on June 05, 2002 at 17:32:37:

Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States. The Bank
Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire salary, and arrangement which, I admit, has
only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring
my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct
of your very bank.

I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and
proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of the following
changes. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally an confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must
nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to o pen such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete..
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by
a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities)must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level
the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone
system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.

My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice service: Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may on occasion inv olve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from
The Best of Woodie Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the
vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay
your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of
advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page.
Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my
time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the
matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised
to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client,

(Name Withheld)

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